any comments on kindof dark poem? its a rough draft..suggestions would be great and much appriecated?
Girl in Hiding moving statue an almost beautifully
choreographed dance stumbling around and around she wobbles in
her five inch stilettos
her knees collide with hard granite
/>and laying in pain, undeserving pretty dress artfully
arranged on the cold marble floor she preens into a tiny
mirror still beautiful girls find your place father looms, his nearness causes subtle hairs to stand kiss his lips and dancebeautiful girls empty eyes, window for an empty head mirrors show these child like reflections grown out of filth, smothered with rot with nothing inside her
This is a good poem-in my opinion. I don't want to recommend u
change too much about it-as it is ur art, not my own. However, I think
that the message might be better received with more creative word choices.
''Wobbles'' & ''rot'' are words that I personally would deter from using
simply because they don't seem to add to the flow of the rest of the poem,
to me. wobbles is a little bit on the edge of slang, to me-and rot .hard to
pin it-but I would have used ''decay'' These are my own personal critiques-but I do really like this poem, & don't change anything you like, it is ur art : )
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